Absence - Something that makes the heart go wander.

Advice - Information for which lawyers and psychiatrists  charge high fees, but your mother-in-law gives to you all the time for free.

Alimony -
(1) A contraction of the phrase: "All his money".
(2) The fee a woman charges for name dropping.

Apology - The only way a man can get in the last word.

Bachelor -
(1) A rolling stone that gathers no boss.
(2) A guy who stays away from women with bride ideas.
(3) A man who can come to his office each morning from a different direction.
(4) One who firmly believes in the unalienable rights of life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit.
(5) A man who enjoys wine, women and so-long.

Bachelor Party - An event where the prospective groom has the kind of wonderful time he could have every night if he wasn't going to get married.

Balanced Marriage - Half the time she does what she wants and the other half of the time he does what she wants.

Best Man - The one who ISN'T getting married.

Bigamist - A man who made the same mistake twice.

Bigamy -
(1) The same as monagamy - having one wife too many.
(2) A crime punishable by having two mothers-in-law.
(3) A situations where two rites make a wrong.

Brat - a kid who behaves just like your child, but belongs to your neighbor.

Bride - A woman about to exchange the attentions of a lot of men for the inattention of one.

Budget - a family's organized system of living beyond their means.

Career Woman - A woman who goes to work to earn a man's salary instead of staying at home and taking it away from him.

Child Economics - The law of Demand and Supply.

Children -
(1) Human gimmee pigs.
(2) Young people who cause their father to get more grey and their mom to become more blonde.
(3) Natural mimics who behave like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Christmas - That time of the year when husbands and wives exchange sensible gifts (like diamond jewelry and neckties).

Common-law Marriage - A couple living in unholy bedlock.

Conservative - A man with a good wife, several kids and a big mortgage.

Considerate Wife - One who always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Cosmetics - Preparations used by a woman to keep men from reading between the lines.

Cougar - An older woman looking to acquire some new he-quipment.

Courage - Marrying a twice-widowed woman.

Courtship -
(1) The period of time when a woman is trying to decide if she can get someone better.
(2) When a man murmers that he isn't good enough for the woman, and she concurs.

Cupid - a well-known marksman with an arrow, who is successful when he Mrs.

Decision - What a man makes when he chooses to get married - and it's the last one he will be allowed to make on his own.

Delinquents - Children who act like their parents.

Dependable Husband - One who sends the alimony checks in on time.

Diamond - A stepping stone to marriage.

Diplomat - a man who remembers his wife's birthdays but forgets her age.

Disillusioned Husband - One who married a woman for her looks, just not the kind he's getting now.

Distant Relative - the most desirable kind to have - the farther the better.

Divorce Lawyer - One who is paid thousands of dollars to untie a knot that a clergyman tied for a lot less.

Don't - The best advice to give to a man who is trying to win an argument with his wife.

Eating - One of the few means by which a man may open his mouth without being wrong.

Eating Out - A technique used by many wives to ensure that their kitchen remains spotless.

Engagement - The one time when a woman does not mind being placed in solitaire confinement.

Evolution - The theory that man descended from apes. Many people do not believe this theory until they meet their in-laws.

Exhibitionist - A girl who is wearing an engagement ring for the first time.

Faithful Husband - A former night owl who has become a homing pigeon.

Family Man - One who has several snapshots in his wallet where money used to be.

Father - One for whom the bills toll.

Freedom - The personal liberty which enables a man to do just whatever pleases his wife.

Freethinker - Any man who is not married.

Golddigger -
(1) A woman who is seeking a Cashanova.
(2) A woman seeking someone to spend with the rest of her life.

Gigolo -
(1) A man who thinks women owe him a loving.
(2) A well-kept fee-male.

Girl - A young female who is eager to grow up and wear the kind of shoes that are killing her mother's feet.

Grandparents - people who come to your house and spoil your children.

Happy Marriage - A duet that makes sweet music when the man learns how to play second fiddle.

His - A pronoun meaning "hers".

Honeymoon -
(1) The vacation a man takes before going to work for a new boss.
(2) The period that soon ends when the husband stops helping his wife with the dishes and does them by himself.

Housewarming - The last call for wedding presents.

Hug - A roundabout way of showing your affection for someone.

Husband -
(1) One who can make his wife do anything she wants.
(2) A man who can always tell what kind of a time he's having at a party by the look on his wife's face.
(3) One who knows how to stop that irritating noise in the car by letting his wife drive.
(4) One who boasts that he runs the show in his home, but fails to mention that it is his wife who writes the script.
(5) One who came, saw and concurred.

Hypochondriac - One whose life is a constant bed of neuroses and just can't seem to leave well enough alone.

Illegitimate Child - A sinfant.

Insanity - A mental derangement which is not only grounds for annulment, but frequently the cause for marriage in the first place.

Intuition -
(1) A wife's ability to read between her husband's lyin's.
(2) The quality that enables your wife to put two and two together and come up with any answer that suits her.
(3) The ability of a woman to contradict her husband before he has a chance to say anything.

Kept Man - One who is living off the sweat of his frau.

Lasting Marriage - One in which the husband likes his wife better than he likes anyone else's.

Little Rock - The state capitol that many women think of when they look at their engagement ring.

Love - Softening of the hearteries.

Love Triangle - A three-sided affair that often ends up causing a wrecktangle.

Luxury - Anything that a husband needs.

Lying - A practice of husbands which could be cut down considerably if wives asked fewer questions.

Man -
(1) Someone who has only two periods in their life when they don't understand women: Before marriage and after.
(2) One who doesn't know the meaning of bliss until he gets married, and then it's too late.

Man of the Hour - Any man whose wife asks him to "Wait just a couple of minutes".

Marriage -
(1) A word that isn't really a word, but a sentence.
(2) An agreement on the part of a chump to pay a woman's board and lodging bills for life.
(3) The only life sentence that can be suspended due to bad behaviour.
(4) An institution where a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman receives her master's.
(5) The world's best fire extinguisher.
(6) An agreement entered into for better or for wars.
(7) An event to which women aspire and men submit.
(8) A 50/50 proposition (Too bad most women don't understand fractions).
(9) The only union which permits men to work unlimited overtime without extra pay.
(10) A ceremony in which the ring is put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the man.
(11) Where a man takes a wife to take care of him so he can be strong enough for her to lean on.
(12) A time-honored institution that is almost like being in love.

Marriage License -
(1) A hunting permit that entitles you to take only one dear at a time.
(2) A noosepaper.

Marriage Proposal - Words that a woman can listen to faster than a man can speak them.

Marriage Vows - The solemn promise that is usually broken when spoken clearly: "Until debt do us part".

Married Life - Something that most men try to avoid (including the husbands).

Maternity Dress -
(1) A space suit.
(2) A magical article of clothing that makes the heir unapparent.

Memory - The mental faculty which reminds a man that his wedding anniversary was the week before.

Middle age - That age when you begin to notice your middle.

Mink Coat - Something you give your wife to keep her warm (and quiet).

Mistake - The type of woman most men meet, as contrasted with misgiving.

Mixed Emotions - Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new sports car.

Monagamy - the same as bigamy, which is having one wife too many.

Monologue - A conversation between a husband and wife.

Mother - A woman whose life is disorganized around her children.

Mother's Day - Nine months after Father's Day.

Mother-in-law -
(1) Another mouth to heed.
(2) A woman who thinks that a good investment involves putting in her two cents.

Mysteries -
(1) Why it takes modern women as much time to get dressed as it did years ago when they wore clothes.
(2) What women found attractive about older men before money was invented.
(3) Why love at first sight is considered to be remarkable - It's when a couple can look at each other for years that it becomes remarkable.
(4) When two wives get together, who gets the last word?

Needle - Something that is easier to find in a haystack than in a modern woman's hand.

No-tell Motel - A place for people who believe in affair play.

Old Maid - A woman whose father never owned a shotgun.

Optimist -
(1) A man who marries his secretary thinking that he will be able to continue to dictate to her.
(2) A man who expects his wife not to laugh when he fills out his tax forms and claims to the IRS that he is the head of the household.

Oral Contraceptive - The most effective form of contraception - "NO".

Parents - A name for people who practice the rhythm method of birth control.

Passion - The only fire for which there is no insurance.

Perfect Wife - A beautiful, wealthy, passionate, deaf-mute, orphan who owns a brewery.

Pleasure Trip - Driving your mother-in-law back home.

Relaxation - The brief rest a man gets while his wife is thinking up something else for him to do.

Romance - The only sport in which the animal that gets caught has to buy the license.

Second Marriage -
(1) A triumph of hope over experience.
(2) One which may give a person a new louse on life.

Shotgun Wedding - A case of wife or death.

Shrew -
(1) A woman who hisses instead of kisses.
(2) A woman who handpicks her man before marriage, and henpecks him afterwards.

Small Town - The type of place where, if you see a young girl dancing with a man old enough to be her father, she is.

Smile - Something that adds to your face value.

Smugness - The feeling a woman experiences when she sees a double chin on her husband's old girlfriend.

Snoring -  Sheet music.

Stork - A bird that is often blamed for something that was caused by a lark.

Suburbanite - A man who hires someone to mow his lawn so he can go play golf for exercise.

Successful Marriage - One in which the couple get married and live happily even after.

Summer Camp - A place where children go for their parents' vacation.

Television - Proof that some married people would rather look at anything but each other.

Tender - Something a wife adores from her husband - especially if it is legal tender.

Trade Relations - Something a lot of married people would like to do.

Unwed Mother - a girl who surrendered to a boyological urge.

Wedding - A ceremony where a man places a ring on a woman's finger and places himself under her thumb.

Wedding Ring -
(1) A one-man band
(2) A tourniquet designed to stop a man's circulation.

Widow - One of the few women who always knows where her husband is.

Widower - One of the few men who has an angel for a wife.

Wife -
(1) A woman who wonders why her husband can't show as much patience at home as when he is waiting for a fish to bite.
(2) One who likes the simple things in life - like her husband.

Woman -
(1) A person who waits for the right man to come along but, in the meantime, gets married.
(2) The weeper sex.
(3) A person who says "We were made for each other" while she is already planning alterations.
(4)  One who finds it easier to make up her face than her mind.

Woman-Hater - A man on a miss-shun in life.

World's Luckiest Man - Adam - He lived in paradise, his wife was always practically naked and he didn't have a mother-in-law.

Yawn - One way for a man to open his mouth and not be wrong.

Yes - The correct answer to any woman's request.

We've all seen personal ads and the abbreviations that are commonly used...

DWM ISO DTE, VGL, SWF for LTR.  NS ANI ALA WTT

which means...

DWM - Divorced White Male

ISO - In Search Of

DTE - Down To Earth

VGL - Very Good Looking

SWF -  Single White Female

LTR - Long Term Relationship

NS - Non-Smoker

ANI - Age Not Important

ALA - All Letters Answered

WTT - Willing To Travel

 

Here are some of my favorites...

 

NTW - No Time Wasters

OHAC - Own House And Car

PA - Photo Appreciated

BHM - Big Handsome Man

NUMP - No Ugly Men Please

SPARK - Single Parent Raising Kids

NLP - No Losers Please

YMMV - Your Mileage May Vary

LJBF - Let's Just Be Friends

 

We've all heard of Yuppies...

 

YUPPIES - Young Urban Professionals

and also...

BUPPIES - Black Urban Professionals

GUPPIES - Gay Urban Professionals

 

But, have you heard of...

 

PIPPIES - People Inheriting Parents' Property

WOOPIES - Well Off Older People

GOLDIES - Golden Oldies Living Dangerously

SITCOM - Single Income Two Children Outrageous Mortgage

DINK - Dual Income No Kids

OINK - One Income No Kids

SINK - Single Independent No Kids

SILK - Single Income Loads of Kids

BOBO - Burnt Out But Opulent

NIMBY - Not In My Back Yard

SINBAD - Single Income No Boyfriend Absolutely Desperate

DUMP - Destitute Unemployed Mature Professional

SCUM - Self-Centered Urban Male

LOMBARD - Lots Of Money But A Real Dickhead

A number of concerned relatives gathered in the waiting room of the hospital, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to try to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used."

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters.

She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around  the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day. Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

The remaining 85% say they don't care.
He's a good man and they love him anyway.

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
       
She noticed that the woman was wearing clothes that belonged to the wife.  She couldn't believe her eyes. Surprised and furious, she screamed at her husband: "You disrespectful pig!  How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!   I'm leaving you... I want a divorce right away!"
      
Obviously caught with his pants down, the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute.  At least let me tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed,  "but they'll be the last words you will ever say to  me!"      

So the husband  began --

"Well, I was getting into my car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.  She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.  I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't  eaten for three days.
       
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the  ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put  on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
      
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while  she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.  I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years,  but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
      
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because you said that they aren't in good taste.
      
Then I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just so you can annoy her, and I also gave her those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has the same pair."

The husband took a quick breath and continued...

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,"

"Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

A beautiful woman arrived at a party and while she was looking around the room, she spotted an attractive man standing all alone.  She approached him and introduced herself by saying, "Hello.  My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied.  "Is it a family name?"

"No." she replied. "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the two things that I enjoy the most in life - cars and men! 

"Wow! That's an amazing coincidence," exclaimed the man. "I did exactly the same thing with my name!"

"Really?  What's your name?

B.J. Titsngolf.

Q: Did you know that diarrhea is an inherited disease?
A: Yeah.  It runs in your jeans.

President George W. Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney were drinking in a pub in Georgetown when a guy walks in, notices them and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over to the President and VP and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning World War III."

The guy is sort of shocked and says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Cheney says, "Well, this time, we're going to kill 40 million Iranians and one blonde with big tits."

A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Cheney turns to Bush, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iranians."

Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the rough and bumpy back streets of Amsterdam late one evening.

As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.

The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared his problem right up.

The blonde got a confused look on her face and asked the brunette,

 "How do you give shoulders?"

Q: What is the name of the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: Sosumi.

Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't fit your finger between the rope and his neck.

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight, replied the man.

The clerk promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

'Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

The Devil walks into a crowded bar.

When the people see who it is, they all run out except this one old man.

So the devil walks up to him and says "Do you know who I am?"

The old man sips his beer and answers "Yup".

The Devil says "Well,why aren't you afraid of me?"

The old man looks over at the Devil and says, "I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you?"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?," they asked.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

Q. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A. Quarter-pounder with cheese.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: How do you turn regular water into holy water?
A: You boil the Hell out of it.

Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

Q: What did one sick casket say to the other sick casket?
A: Was that you coffin'?

Q. What do you call a greyhound with no hind legs and steel balls?
A. Sparky!

The good brothers at the local monastery decided to open a locksmith shop.

It was very successful and kept them quite busy, to the point where they began to neglect their spiritual duties.

When the Bishop got wind of their activities and the problems it was causing, he was quite upset, and quickly sent them the following edict:

Cut out the monk key business!

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small penis, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Q: What do you call a Mexican woman with really short legs?
A: Cuntswaylow.

Q: What do you call a guy who is half Native American and half Chinese?
A: Ug Lee

Q: Did you know that most gays are born that way?
A: Yeah, but some of them are sucked into it.

Q. What do you call two Irish homosexuals?
A. Gerald Fitz-Patrick and Patrick Fitz-Gerald.

Q: Why did the authorities shut down the lesbian bar?
A: They lost their licker license.

An extremely precocious nine-year-old boy walked into the local neighborhood bar and yelled loudly to the waitress to bring him a Scotch on the rocks.

"What?" she replied. "What are you trying to do, get me in trouble?"

"Maybe later," replied the boy, "but first I'd like that drink."

Two friends were walking on the beach one day when they saw a peculiar-looking man coming towards them.  The stranger had an extraordinarily small head in comparison to the rest of his body.

"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude, but---"  began the first friend.

"I know what you are going to ask me, and it's okay. I don't mind telling about it, because it was my own stupid fault," replied the stranger.

"One summer day, very much like today, I was walking along this very same beach.  In the sand I saw a very old looking bottle with a cork in it.  Being terribly curious, I unplugged it.  Sure enough, out comes this gorgeous, naked genie.  She was the sexiest, hottest looking woman I ever saw.  She said that she would grant me any wish I desired.

"What did you ask for?"

I said, "How's about a little head?"

Mrs. McDaniels was known all throughout the greater Boston area for her fantastic Boston Bean soup.  When someone asked here for her secret recipe, she replied that she was sure to only use 239 beans.

"Why only 239?"

"Because one more would make it too farty."

There was a radio program broadcast years ago during which members of the studio audience were asked questions and those with the best answers would win a box of Snickers bars.

One evening during the live broadcast, the master of ceremonies started talking to a newlywed couple.  The wife was obviously very shy and quite soft-spoken.  The master of ceremonies leaned over and politely asked her, "What was the first thing you said on your honeymoon?"

A bit flustered, she responded, "Oh, I can't, that's hard."

"Give this lady a box of Snickers!"

Moses is up on Mt. Sinai having a conversation with God, when all of  a sudden he becomes very upset.  With his face all flushed and his chest heaving wildly, Moses turns to God and says in disbelief...

"Now let me get this straight: We're supposed to be 'The Chosen People' and You want us to cut off the tips of our whats?"

A black man died and started ascending towards heaven.  In front of him, the pathway through the clouds split, and there was a sign with two arrows.  Under one arrow it said "Straight to Heaven".  Under the other arrow it said "This way to Purgatory".  The man decided to follow the path marked "Straight to Heaven". 

As he strolled up to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter approached him and said, "Just a minute! You have to have done something pretty special to go straight to Heaven.  What have you done?"

Well, I married a white woman on the courthouse steps in Mobile, Alabama," the black man proudly replied.

"That is pretty special," agreed St. Peter.  "When did you do that?"

"Oh, about three minutes ago."

Superman is on his way to a large reunion of superheroes being held in Miami Beach. He arrives two hours late, his clothes are a mess and he has definitely been in a fight.  As he approaches his table, his good friend Batman yells: "Hey! Man of Steel, what happened to you?"

"Well, this is going to sound crazy, but I was zipping along the coastline, making great time, when suddenly I looked down and there, lying on the beach, is Wonder Woman - naked!"

Wow!" said Robin. "What did you do?"

"What do you think I did, kid?  Her legs were spread, so I dove in like an eagle!"

"Boy, I bet she was surprised," said The Incredible Hulk.

"Yeah, but not half as surprised as The Invisible Man was!"