At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treata her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all isa, I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go bringa her back."

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.  The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.  When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

The Management Lesson:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a nun a lift.  She got into his car and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.  The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'  The priest removed his hand but then, changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and said to the priest, "Maybe it is the mind that is not so strong," and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129, which reads  'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

The Management Lesson:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'  Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

The Management Lesson:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

The Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

The Management Lesson:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The fresh dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

The Management Lessons:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE SIX MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

"I have read and agree to the terms of use."

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A: el-if-i-no

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A Lickalotopus

Q: What's slimy and cold and smells like pork
A: Kermit the Frog's wanker.

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they can't eat it!

Q: Why are men like cars?
A: Because they pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q. Why don't blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg?
A:  Ilene

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Right where you left it.

Q: What do cows do for entertainment?
A: They rent moovies !

Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A: Dam!

Q: What do have if you have a deer with no eyes ?
A: You have no I-Deer

Q: What is the difference between and desperate woman and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it!

Q: Where does the one legged waitress work?
A:  IHOP.

Q: Why is bungee jumping like getting a blowjob from an 80-year-old woman.
A: It feels great but for God's sake don't look down.

Q: What happened to the Chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
A: He broke his nose.

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife is more than willing to blow your bonus!

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a gun, pointed it right at him and said,

"No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Two ants are living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.  One ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants left their caves and got back together.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeewww!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head-butting me and then spit up all over me."

An overweight guy was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you, I can have you!"

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy and notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter. It is easily a foot long.

The American says, "Wow!  Cool lighter!  Where did you get it?"

The English guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The American rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

Immediately a million ducks come waddling into the bar.

The American says,  "I don't believe this. I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks.  Is this genie hard of hearing or what?"

The Englishman says "Well, do you really think I wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a tailor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed

"Impossible a size 34 would squish your testicles against your spine and give you an awful headache".

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their incredibly ugly women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you end up with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the gorgeous woman by his side and says, "Tell them."

She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".

The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are NOT African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,.....

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.  So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"

She looks at him "But, they're sperm samples!"

"DO IT!".

So the nurse sucks it down.

"That one there, drink that one as well."

So the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,

"See honey - it's not that hard."

Q: What do you call the useless extra skin around a vagina?
A: A woman.

Q: How are women and tornadoes alike?
A: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

A blonde goes into a dry cleaners and quietly asks to have her sweater cleaned.

The laundromat attendant didn't hear her correctly so he says, "Come again?"

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "Oh, no.  It's just mustard."

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: An Ironing boards legs are harder to get open.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
A: They both been laid all over the place.

Q: What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: What goes blonde, brunette blonde, brunette....
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

Q: Why do blondes have a hard time getting pregnant?
A: Becuase they blow it each time.

Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following "Fun. Fun. Fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun Period Fun Period Fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry.

Q: How does a blonde have safe sex?
A: She locks the car door.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you after you use it.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde playing football?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: How is a blonde like a cajun skillet?
A: You have to get them really hot before you put in your meat.

Q: What does an Jumbo 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: They both have big cockpits.

Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock, and shes ready to blow.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: When you slap the mosquito it stops sucking.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.

Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: Are you sure it's mine?"

GEORGE BUSH ---> HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY ---> DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST ---> EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN ---> BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION ---> A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE ---> HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES ---> CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY ---> IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW ---> WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS ---> ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT ---> I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES ---> THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO ---> TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the! Grand finale:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA --->

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Doughnuts.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: You only worry about it when you're not getting any.

Q: What do you have when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: One hundred people who don't do dick.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.....

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying "Yo."

Q: What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!

An old couple were sitting in church. During the service the wife whispered to her husband "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?

"Put a battery in your hearing aid!"