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Here are some comments made by sports commentators that
surely they would like to take back.
1. Women's Olympic weightlifting
commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it
was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This
is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one
behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and
even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball
announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony
BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the
Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian
Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10.
US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer playing so well is that, before each
final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my God, what have I just said?"
Confucius say: Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man
who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who
scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball
is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find
him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build
crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is
high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other
man's well often catches crabs.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Man who keep feet firmly
on ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Pretty girl who
sits on Judge's lap soon gets honorable discharge.
DAMN IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN!! Your last name stays put.
The garage is yours.
Wedding plans just take
care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's too icky.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5000, Tux rental: $100
People
never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So,
notice anything different?"
One mood, all the damn time.
A five day vacation requires only one
suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest
bit of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a 3 pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your
face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your
apartment if the maid is coming.
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend
without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
You
don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one
pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th
in 45 minutes.
Emoticons :) is a smile :-) and
:( is a frown :-(
Well, how about some "assicons"!
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a
fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a
sore ass
{_!_} a squishy ass
(_o_)
an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb
Ass
Life
is Backwards - Wisdom from Andy Rooney The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
And then you die. What’s that? A bonus?
I think the
life-cycle is all backwards.
You should die first and get it all over with.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you’re too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.
You work forty years
until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol and party.
You get ready for high
school.
You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little
baby & go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating...
Then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I like it.
Henny Youngman's Marriage Secrets
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and good companionship. She goes
Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my
wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested
the kitchen.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then
she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car
was, she told me, "In the lake."
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for
the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
I married Miss Right. I just
didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't
like to interrupt her.
A beggar walked up to my wife shopping on Michigan Ave. and said "I
haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to!
New Drug
Yesterday, a drug rep told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal/pharmaceutical blend that they
think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider
buying stock in the company.
The drug is called Gingko Viagra II and its function is to help you remember
what the fuck you're doing.
Add a letter / Subtract a letter... Intaxication: Euphoria at getting
a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation
about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted
very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously
when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no
action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
Signs
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." Over a gynecologist's office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a military hospital-door
to endoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in"
On a plumbers truck:
"We
repair what your husband fixed." On another plumbers truck:
"Bob's
Plumbing and heating - We've been in heat for 35 years" Yet another:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza
makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would
that be satisfactory?"
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If
you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop:
No
appointment necessary. "We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back
in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in
your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there
and be hungry . Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully.
We'll wait "
At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."
The "lost" Dr. Seuss poem: I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and
more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office
and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and piles of paper
that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell,
there’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work
among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and it’s software;
I hug
it often though it won’t care.
I love each program and every file.
I’d love them more if they worked
a while.
I’m happy to be here. I am. I am.
I’m the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love the work, I love the chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job – I’ll say
it again I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men
who’ve come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!
Questions
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults
enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie
so popular?
7. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts”, and you put your two cents in, what
happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do
croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
10. When cheese gets its picture
taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race
car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee
mean opposite things?
14. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. “I am”
is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If
Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Are Lipton Tea employees allowed to take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how
people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . .they’re cramming for their
final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered,
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could
look for them while they delivered the mail?
23. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No
one ever says, “It’s only a game”, when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed
of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape, at full blast. The mime
next door went nuts.
28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Observations from Steven
Wright...
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose
between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace
Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are
below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are
made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you want
the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early
bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before
we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible
ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is
merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness
pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
I intend to live
forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal
desire.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard
disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains
kept falling out.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don’t succeed,destroy
all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t
get until just after you need it.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional
to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem
with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have
to catch up.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't
expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest
a bad name.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts
when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis,
raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost
had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Light? . . OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything
is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever
- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may
soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why
do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't
get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with
the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch
up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone
has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Jack Schitt For
some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't
know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack
Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt,
Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six
children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against
her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years,
Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she
wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married
Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children,
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children
were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with
his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct
them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
BLONDE JOKES Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in
her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London
are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides
of a piece of paper
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant"
sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
W
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George
W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor
George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important.
We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen,
that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period
in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy
-- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility
of any Governor, and that
one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93
"Verbosity
leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
"I have made good
judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush
"The
future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated
American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird
can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush
"I
stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We
have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush
"A
low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush
"When
I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for
the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush
5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W.
Bush 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush ,
9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes
we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the
environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush
"[It's]
time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
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